he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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