I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
