meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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