I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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