the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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