i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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