Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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