You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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