Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
