just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
