literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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