at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
