Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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