I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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