1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize