i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
