Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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