I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
