who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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