best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
zippers are such a cool invention
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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