office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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