i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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