I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
