im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
