when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
