I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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