before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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