here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
