my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
