Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
