i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
