I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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