I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You've changed since you got that strap on
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
