I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize