you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
