dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There's always time for handjobs
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
