True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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