M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My life is pants optional.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize