if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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