you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
