he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
