ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
