overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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