I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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