There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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