I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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