I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
