he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
