It's Friday. Sex?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
