I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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