i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
