I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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