They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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