quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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