If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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