He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
